A Glitch in the Matrix: When Ambition Overpowers Humanity
My name is Jyotika Khosla and I’m a mixed-media artist who is passionate about exploring narratives and working with materials. In terms of life and the artistic process, I genuinely believe that learning never ends and every experience, good or bad, has the power to lead to inner growth, stability, and lessons to offer in exchange.
Everyone has a story when it comes to mental health challenges. AND ALL ARTISTS THESE DAYS ARE USING SOCIAL MEDIA AS A WAY TO ADVANCE OUR CAREERS IN SOME FORM OR WAY. Today, I’d like to share mY STORY.
The mind is more complex than it’s given credit for. My experiences with the complexities of it include hallucinations and voices which began to interfere with my daily process of doing basic tasks. Voices ripped my confidence and paranoia would follow me everywhere I went. I would hear people clearly say something to me only to realize that they had not. There would be a constant, unsettling and funny feeling in the pit of my stomach causing very inappropriate laughter. It was complex, with even more complicated origins. And I was being medicated for this.
Any form of media, whether it was my phone or a tv channel, was causing delusion and confusion. As I lost my peace of mind, I also lost my dreams, desires, and direction. As beautiful as the world is, internally it arose no interest. No matter what advice people would give me, it would not process well. The experience of a fulfilling life is dependent on the mind and inner peace. It’s also influenced by the quality of your inner circle and support system, which unfortunately revealed themselves and failed me when I needed them most. After much reflection, I can confidently say that a lot of this happening is due to our generation’s obsession with social media.
As I lost my peace of mind, I also lost my dreams, desires, and direction. As beautiful as the world is, internally it arose no interest. No matter what advice people would give me, it would not process well.
Jyotika Khosla, mixed-media artist from Vancouver, BC.
Social media apps put people on an illusory pedestal and hijack their ability to have basic human concerns for what’s taking place right in front of them. And to say that social media doesn't affect people’s mental and emotional health with its constant bombarding, even subtly, would be the world’s biggest illusion.
During this disturbing phase, the socially adept friends [with growing Instagram follower counts that I cheered on] whom I genuinely cherished not only disappeared but did not think twice to spread misinformation and rumours about me to the curious local artistic community. As I was being unfollowed and blocked for reasons that were beyond confusing for my sick mind at the time, I also became socially paranoid on top of already very scary and uncontrollable hallucinations for about three months. During this time, I was advised to stay away from my phone and media of all kinds.
Yet at the same time, due to the misinformation that was spread about me by the same people who I thought were my friends, I was being blocked and maligned by colleagues, potential commissions customers & acquaintances for having severe mental episodes.
I also learned that these friends were now attending mental health seminars, speaking as experts of victimization for marginalized groups within the diaspora and forging new connections with my friends in the arts community – bonding with them through the misinformation they spread about me for the sole purposes of being “instafamous.” Instead of showing empathy, or, at the very least, checking in on my health, they instead chose to villainize me for something I was unable to control – and was not blaming them in any way for.
“Lakshmi – You Are Enough” by Jyotika Khosla
The anxiety from this only added to my paranoia and hallucinations. My brain was not processing any information as reality. It was a disturbing and uncomfortable few months of audio-visual hallucinations, excluding the recovery process. I am extremely lucky that my parents and other friends understood the seriousness of the situation and I got the help I needed.
From this experience, I learned the hard way that social media is not real life and online profiles don’t always reflect a person’s character. I never expected that the friends who were at my house almost every single day would disappear during a severe phase only to malign me online as well as in a community that I was naively excited to be a part of and work in. Yes, I cared a lot and went out of my way to ensure we were all thriving with opportunities but why was that a bad thing? Situations like mine create a genuine fear of failing in front of our friends and trusting people who are part of the same community as us.
Instead of showing empathy, or, at the very least, checking in on my health, [these friends] instead chose to villainize me for something I was unable to control – and was not blaming them in any way for.
It is why becoming genuine friends with plants and animals is a way of life for so many of us. For me today, starting over is scary – especially in terms of using social media. We fail to realize that toxicity is a trait that goes ignored when ambition overpowers humanity.
I know how common psychosis is in our community and as a grown woman, I not only felt ashamed but also feel that whatever happened to me is underwhelming. Because of the loneliness and isolation I experienced after being avoided by so many members of the arts community due to the stories that were circulating about me, I felt there was no point in sharing a story. Yet, I know I am not the only individual that has experienced something severely traumatic.
Mural of Kobe Bryant by Jyotika Khosla
I condemn the idea that anyone’s merit and importance comes from a bad character with big numbers. Social media is not real life.
This means that the profiles of people with lots of followers and exciting posts are not always reflective of reality. I never expected that the friends I loved deeply would leave for a few insta claps. I began to understand why grown people are led to feeling mentally distant and bitter about social happenings when they begin to feel let down socially, thus internally.
Today, it’s a difficult process opening up to people and putting myself back out there on the same screens that appear as nothing more than pixels. In a lot of ways, I still feel like a glitch in the matrix. When the insatiable drive and ambition of gaining some online merit comes at the cost of tossing and stepping on the throats of the same society and its people, the “rise” to success reveals as a mirage. You cannot succeed by hurting people, no matter how much you justify your wrongdoings as your truth and ambitions.
I know I have all the love and support I need. Although the world feels like an illusory circus, being there for other people in any way you can is the most fulfilling thing you can do. I promise it does not go unnoticed, especially in times like these when mental health crises are on the rise.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Jyotika would like to share a song that outlines her experience pretty well. It’s called Arcade Fire by Reflektor. Listen to it at the YouTube video embedded below to visualize her headspace.